maybe im beginning to open my eyes to the possibility that i could believe in god again


thats hard to say

but...

these past few weeks have been some of the hardest yet.
but it could have been so, so much worse

and i wonder why they werent.

2 weeks ago i was driving back to fargo and i had a panic attack on the road
i was being told that my financial aid would not be processed in time, my roommate was moving out, i had no plan for what to do with myself and my apartment, my car window was broken...etc.

at this moment, i am writing from my own computer, in a dorm room intended for four that i share with only one other girl. (who i really like!)
a few hours ago i checked out of my apartment which somehow got rerented for the month of september, even though i was told just 6 days ago that i would have to put in a new vacating notice before they could even start showing the apartment again.
and i feel safe.

that doesnt just happen...

i am blessed

i just ordered this book

i hope it comes soon

im slowly figuring myself out...

there are a lot of things that come into my head that i tell myself, no...i shouldnt say that, that could possibly offend someone. so i wont say it...or ill try to tone it down so that it wont be as offensive.

people pleasing

but maybe im just rude like that.
in that very moment, when that offensive thought pops into my head, and i shush it back down, i am keeping the peace for the time being. i am pleasing my "audience."

in the long run, it pleases nobody...because eventually i get sick of the people pleasing and i abandon the situation altogether.
in the long run...i think it would please people more to actually know who i am.

but the more people know about me, the more they can use against me
and if i upset them, they would have a reason to fire off...right?

no matter where i go, or how many times i try to start over, i do the same fucking thing.
i keep everyone a safe, comfortable distance away
i should know better by now...that its not doing me any good
but i dont know how to stop

cut my shackles to my lease today
its over...and right now i couldnt be happier

i guess they found a renter for my apartment for september 1st...

exhale...

its nice to fit in the desks

right now i have the apartment and the dorm...and part of me is thinking, thank goodness i got back in the dorms because i dont even want to look at that apartment building ever again. part of me is like, what the hell am i doing? im a junior...in the dorms. im just freaked because we dont have any homey decorations here yet...and these girls havent become my new family yet.

i want to take a year off of school and get an entry level clerical job and live with my mom and make a buttload of money and pay my mom back for my car and the ridiculous amount of insurance money i owe her.

but then i would never go back to school because that life would be so sweet and all of a sudden i would be like, 34 and i would be thinking, why didnt i finish school when i was younger? and then i would be stuck and i would be pissed at myself. even though school is making me crazy right now and i just want to go home, i know why i am here. plus i do have a family here.

i have moved back into the dorms...
crazy, i know. im right back where i started.
the apartment...i guess i can say that i wasnt quite ready for that. i can pretty safely say that i intend on staying on campus for the rest of my college career...and then i am so moving back in with my mom until i have recovered.

its good to be back in burgum.
at the very, very least...i know that i am not alone here.
i will constantly be comparing this to last year, and it may not be the same, but this is going to be good.

even if i get evicted from my apartment. i dont care...i couldnt spend one more night there. i still have some things there that i have to get out...and i can hardly bear to do that.

i cant wait until this is behind me.

but i did learn something...

all that matters is people, and the love you have for them.
family is the only thing that can keep you sane.
and luckily, you can forge a family no matter who they are.

had a bit of a breakdown...
too much shit hit the fan at the same time.

roommate moving out...worried about that
as much time as i spent hibernating in my room
i knew i was never really alone
but now i am

creature comforts that i rely so heavily on are not currently available in my apartment.
even if i am not fine, i can become catatonic watching cable, or researching something useless online. i can forget that im not alright. so i fled home.

i became overwhelmed when i received notice that if i did not provide certain documents to ndsu by saturday, i would not be able to get my financial aid. certain documents that i seemed to have misplaced. only myself to blame because i have known since march that those documents would need to be provided. i was just hoping for an oversight i guess. ridiculous, i know. the worst part is that while searching for the documents (my 2004 w2's) i found stacks of cards, notes, my 11th grade schedule...but no fucking w2s. i called home and told them to look around for me...so how wonderful my whole family was in my room snooping around for them with no luck. i came home, and found them in the 2nd place i looked.

i came home for 2 days. on tuesday night, i could have cared less that it was only 2 days. on tuesday, i still had 2 days left. i have to leave tomorrow morning. i shouldnt be so upset about it.

im most upset that im torn between slp and fargo. im somewhat pleased that there are 2 places that i can consider home...one a bit more loosely than the other but thats not important...but ill be torn forever. when im there, i literally pine for minneapolis and my family and my house. when im here, i miss my independence and my coworkers.

im not ready for winter. i cant do it. i know its not coming for a while, but im truly dreading it right now.

then my driver window went down, and then didnt go back up. being that right now, my car is the only thing i really feel like is mine, and its really the place where i feel the safest...having its security compromised so greatly made me crazy. i taped the window up but i could hardly see through it and i was terrified of the riff-raff residing in my building tearing it down. they didnt.

i need to make a plan in order to make things in my apartment better. i need to start by getting cable. then i should add a piece of furniture or something once a month or so. i dont want to get too many things in there so it will be easier to move out.

i dont want to grow up

people in this building smoke
and it smells awful
and im so glad i dont do that anymore

that was probably another instance of, "i wasnt aware of how bad it really was"
im sure i had characteristics of a smoker
i know i smelled like it, i know i coughed
but i just didnt ever think that other people would notice
but i bet it was really really bad

its funny that people smoking in the building is bothering me since my mom smokes about 10 feet away from my bedroom on a very regular basis, and i could care less. the stench just lingers here.

miserable

and the worst part is...

I WAS HAPPY HERE!!

what happened?

its not going to be that easy...leaving mankato was one of the quickest and easiest decisions i have ever made because in my heart, i never even unpacked. but here...

so this whole, apartment, independence thing has been great...but i gotta go.

my car window is stuck open

right now, i weigh less than i did when i was a junior in high school...which isnt saying a whole lot because i was a cow then too, but its funny because my weight on my drivers license is now correct even though i lied about it back in 2003 when i last renewed it. i dont really feel any different. i feel like this is what i have always looked like.
i know i havent always looked like this though because i see pictures of myself from only a few months ago and its horrible.
i got really good at convincing myself that things werent as bad as they really were. you just dont feel yourself getting bigger and bigger. especially when my wardrobe heavily consisted of sweatpants and huge tshirts.
i knew it was true but i just didnt want to believe that i was HUGE.
im getting pretty good at convincing myself that im not really getting smaller though. if my clothes are big i feel like its just because i stretched them out or something.
i dont want to buy clothes that are the right size now because i like wearing the big clothes. i feel smaller.

i had a journal when i was a sophomore in high school that my friend gave to me for my birthday. i wrote in it regularly and then i lost it. i just figured that i had misplaced it. there are certain areas of my room that are sorta black-holish so i didnt bother searching for it too much. turns out i brought it with me to the cabin when i was 16 and left it there. i didnt realize this until last month when i went to the cabin for the first time since then and found it in the dresser of the guest bedroom. at least a dozen people have stayed in that room im sure since then. i only hope that they had the decency to recognize the fact that this was a journal as was evident by the first page, and set it down. i am so absolutly mortified at the possibility that my family sat around laughing at my pages of "i love so-and-so" drivvel that i cant even open it. i dont even want to know.

new area code fact: when area codes were first distributed, codes that were for an entire state had a 0 in the middle, while ones that were for a portion of a state had a 1 in the middle.

i wish i were living in the dorms this year. i am so stuck.

ive been very seriously thinking about going on anti-depressants. i feel hopeful that they will help me. but then i did some research on them and it seems like people who are on them are just pretty much trying to get off of them. which would just be a new battle.

mrs. gibbles died last week

renting is seriously the stupidest thing ever. the money just goes to the person who actually owns the place so they can make the mortgage! and then your lease runs out and you have nothing to show for the $300/month or whatever you have been shelling out.

im really amused by the cycle that a lot of people my age are entering in to.

first your parents have you when they are relatively young, and then they are constantly trying to get their shit together so they can give you the best.

so by the time you hit about 15-16, they have pretty much settled into a fairly comfortable life, and you probably dont have too many things to complain about. chances are, you are living in a decent house in the suburbs with some pets and you might even have a car too. youre fairly free to do as you wish and you get to stay in this house and do your laundry for free!

and they probably pay for your damn cable too.

then fast forward a few years and the great thing to do is move out! it sounds so very enticing. you can do what you want, be your own boss, make your own rules.

it pretty much sucks though. i go from a nice, centrally air-conditioned house with ceramic tile and a very nice yard to THIS. a shitty 2 bedroom apartment with a window air conditioner that only cools the living room effectively, bargain basement carpet and linoleum. im pilfering someones internet, and i have no cable. my bathtub is pink. i cant have a dog, there is petrified beef in my fridge...and im paying for this!!

and this is as good as its going to get for now. i pretty much can never go back home...well i can physically drive back to my house and sleep there, but i dont really know if i will ever actually RESIDE there again. im sure i will but i dont know when. and if that ever happens it will probably be because i fucked something up in my life and i dont want to wait for that catastrope. it will never be the same. i just have to sit and wait until ive gotten my shit together and can get my own house with ceramic tile and a yard. i cant wait that long.

i seriously have social anxiety disorder.