jumping the shark

my job is consuming all of my thoughts. i only worked like 20 hours last week but i might as well have lived there. i come home and see a block of cream cheese in the fridge and it makes me sick. im about ready to throw the brueggers coupon out of my wallet just because i hate looking at it, and even caribou is giving me the freaks. everything in this house, on tv, and pretty much everywhere reminds me somehow of bagels and stinky lox and makes me dread the next day...even when i just got off of work.
maybe its just part of my general distaste for everything...

i hate being home
i hate my job
i hate the thought of going away again in august

i hate pretending to be katie...circa 2001 around all of my friends
i hate that i cant connect with anyone on a better level
i hate knowing that if not for the past we have we would no longer be friends
i hate feeling so alone
i hate being around people

i hate knowing that tomorrow is senior skip day and that its already been a year since i had that for myself
i hate thinking about my senior skip day because i know that i was not part of the original plans
i hate knowing that i was a tag-a-long then and i am now

i hate that a new class is graduating next week
i hate that this years seniors think they are so smart
i hate that mine was probably the exact same way
i hate that i am so reluctant to get over high school
i hate that im working during graduation

i hate that im 2 years older than the kids at work
i hate that im 6 years younger than trish
i hate that ive felt this old my entire life but was never regarded as such
i hate that i dont know how to act like a kid

i hate how my mom totally disregarded the fact that i have problems
i hate saying that
i hate almost everything my mom does these days
i hate that i am so angry towards my mother
i hate that she doesnt respect me enough as a person to accept that i have opinions too

i hate that my grandma ditched me last week
i hate how blinded my family is by religion
i hate that they think believing in and obeying something they have never heard, seen, or had tangible evidence of, should be the norm and i should be the obscene exception
i hate that im scared for my grandparents to find out

i hate that when people decide to have a big bag of silicone thrashed into their chest, few people give it a second thought, yet, my desire to have a handful of teeny-weeny pieces of metal in my skin is puzzling to many and cast aside as being weird or gross

i hate that this is the best i can come up with

work sucks

did i hate target this much?

(probably)

perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
-evanescence

FYI

closing at brueggers sucks a lot

today i sure missed papa murphys more than usual

puke

girl at work: so do you work tomorrow?
me: nope!
gaw: me neither! wont it be great to sleep in?
me: yeah except my dads going wake my ass up for church at 9:30 tomorrow morning
gaw: oh yeah? just your dad? your mom doesnt go?
me: oh, no...my parents are divorced, i just go to my dads every other weekend
gaw: STILL?


yeah...still. i know its time...i know it doesnt make sense anymore...i know ive been trying to end this situation since it started...but how on earth do you tell your dad that you dont want to come live with him anymore? i dont feel like i have a good enough reason. the reasons i have are all purely selfish. i dont know what to do...i live by example and i dont know anyone in the same pickle as me...and there arent any fun nick at nite shows about this either. if i allow this to continue, im not asserting myself, im not being an adult about it. if i try to change it, im being selfish, and therefore, childish.

yay!

You are NEIL GOLDMAN! You are the consummate geek,
a badge you wear with pride. You often seem
unaware of your social status or you dont seem
to care, because even though people may laugh
at you, you never change who you are. And the
guys on your Babylon 5 newsgroup think thats
pretty sweet. You're tech-savvy and smart as
all get out...if only the one you loved could
see that.


Which Family Guy character are you? (12 outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla

from the cover of mine and chelsas 8th grade notebook

"the thing is...people always expect you to be the same way. like, youre a rock or something. except...even rocks, like- erode...

pssst...

p.s...i hate shoes

call me grace

so today at work i sideswept the knife and those little fuckers are SHARP! so yeah, i started bleeding right in the middle of a sandwich and i didnt know what to do about it but my manager made me go stand in the back...while im back there, everyone like, started evacuating the stuff on my side of the line. like it was ebola. it had to be written down on the injury list and customers were all weirded out but after a couple mintues i got right back to work. 2 bagels later what do i do? thats right, i cut myself again. so my manager was like, im going to watch you to see what you are doing wrong so of course that was a barrel of fun. hes like, when do you cut yourself...and i said, when i put the knife down i just hit my finger. he didnt seem to understand. oh and then i dropped the knife on the floor, almost on my foot. i just hope i still have the same number of fingers and toes at the end of the summer.

best car ever!

theres my pumpkin 

you sliced the bagel wrong...now you must die

work today...was interesting. i guess i didnt really realize that brueggers is basically subway except with bagels. i didnt know that i would be making turkey and bacon sandwiches all day. its hard! i dont know which bottle is honey mustard and which is dijon...and i really dont know how to mark the bag. this girl whos only worked there for like a month seemed extremely jaded already. the boss is really nice though. the other manager seems to have a bone to pick with me...probably because of the fucked over phone convo that occured on friday. thats the only thing that i can come up with!! tomorrow i dont have to start till 9 though.

this girl at work was like, so, what do you like to do...what do you do for fun? AND I COULDNT THINK OF ANYTHING. shes like, do you go out at night? i was like, nope not really. so shes like, so what do you do...i said, not much i guess. thats sad. call me people.

i give up

im supposed to wake up in 3.5 hours and at this point im thinkin...hey, why not just go for an all nighter...its been awhile.

and if we're good, we're laid to rest, anywhere we wanna go

well if thats the case then i want to be put in hole in the ground and call it a day. my former youth pastor once gave a sermon to the entire congregation about heaven. one thing stuck with me...

"when i was a kid, i would be out playing in the barn and having the time of my life. all of the sudden my mom would come to get me for dinner and i would realize that i had been out there for 2 hours in what felt like 15 minutes. now imagine that 2 hours is more like 2000 years."

well thats all fine and good, but what about after that first 2000 years is up? what are you going to do after that? you still got 2000+2000+2000+2000+2000...more years to be out playing in the old barn.

when i heard this sermon i was still under the spell and began thinking about what my heaven would be. i decided it would be going to the beach with jenni and linse, scott, joe, al, and eric. when we were there together it always had to end somehow...parental issues, work, previous engagements. in heaven i could be at the beach with them forever!! eventually, you have got to get sick of the beach, and even if it takes you a million years to get sick of it, its not even a brick in the wall.

then i thought maybe in heaven, all your questions will be answered. everything you wanted to see would be shown to you. so i would be able to witness the birth of my puppies, go to a beatles concert, and be told whether or not i did in fact set the sleep timer on nights when i wondered but accidentally turned the tv off before i could check. but how long can that take? a week? maybe 2? certainly not ALL OF ETERNITY.

you gotta be joking me...existing in some form or another forever and ever and ever is supposed to be a GOOD thing? thats what gets all those loud mouth evangelists all hot and bothered? ("evangelists" by the way can be reorganized to spell "evils agents") the thought literally keeps me up at night (which would explain this) and makes me physically ill. sometimes i have to actually get out of bed and pace around trying to force myself to think about something else.

thank god im an atheist

cant sleep...working in 7 hours

1. Look at your archives and find the 23rd post (or closest).
2. Find the fifth sentence (or closest).
3. Post it here with these instructions.

if you buy unbreaded cheese curds from the grocery store and you put them in a deep fryer without coating them...it just turns into a blob of melty crusty nasty cheese.

yay for getting paid to watch videos

it will be quite interesting to go through a formal training for work. on my second day working at papa murphys (my first day without jenni or jeremy) i wondered in looking lost and asked eric what i should do that day. he looked at me like i had just asked him how you spell "cat" and said, "make pizza." so much for training.

holy shit

tomorrow is my first day of work! but the best part is that i start at 6am. wont that be fun! i dont think ive ever gotten up that early and then actually had to go do something.

yoink

fun idea jeremy!...ask me 3 questions and i will answer them.
(moved it up here so it wouldnt be lost in the crowd down there)

maybe a peninsula

i get so excited when i look at brochures about NDSU thinking, this is going to be great, this is going to be my new life. i can hardly wait to get in there and start doing my thing. but wait...i felt the same exact way about mankato! and that wasnt exactly a raving success. i think i figured that i would be happy in mankato because i can sustain happiness here even when i am alone, but when i got to mankato i figured out how far away from alone i was at home. and there i really was alone. nobody would notice if i didnt show up for class. my roommate could care less if i disappeared for the whole day. i thought being alone made me happy but while in mankato i was perpetually miserable. i blamed it on the inadequacy of the town, the bareness of my room, the lack of things to do. its really not any of those things. i could be content in the middle of a cornfield, or locked up in a jail cell as long as my sister was with me. it doesnt matter how busy of a city youre in, or how fancy your things are...nothing is fun if you dont have someone to enjoy it with. no wonder there was never anything for me to do in mankato...i never went out because i didnt have any friends!! theres plenty to do there...how would i know...i only left my room to go to class and to eat.

i have brueggers orientation tomorrow and i just hope that we get a free bagel. ive been thinking about eating a bagel for like 2 days now. i sat in my room and waited for them to call me yesterday about orientation and at 3 i decided to hop in the shower real quick and of course thats when they call. and my brilliant sister tells them im "busy" so the bagel guy said, "this is brueggers...does that free her up at all?" and she goes, "no. i dont think so." because she didnt think i wanted them to know i was in the shower...and why not? now they probably think i was standing there in front of my sister while they were on the phone waving my arms around whispering "im not here!!" im scared. it will be weird to have a new job. i had gotten so used to the routine of papa murphys and being such a seasoned veteran there. it will be weird to be a trainee again. but im glad they are more structured than papa murphys where you cant get a break if you dont smoke and the jobs are assigned based on whoever the hell gets there first. but i miss working somewhere run by people my own age, who care even less than i do. but the WEIRDEST thing is...this is the first job i have ever had where i didnt work with a friend. im kinda tweakin out about that.

im pondering this my cousin is getting married thing still and its keeping me up. i just cant believe it. this just changes everything...maybe not but im still totally tweaked about it.

this is daith day #6 and it still hurts like a bitch. im employing a new technique to clean it and thats sticking in an earplug and then inverting a cup over my ear and everytime i put in the ear plug it makes it hurt as much as it did right after it was pierced. its intense. i cant turn it, i cant touch it...its just bad. i dont remember any of the others hurting this much a week later. its a good thing too because i might have quit after 1 if it did.

i thought the title thing would be a fun idea but already im having trouble thinking of one.

my mind is blown

my cousin is getting married? im in shock! this strikes me as being so strange! i just figured this out today even though i recieved the news weeks ago...see i thought that when my mom said kelli, that she ment kelly, a friend of hers. but no! my cousin is getting married! what? WHAT? why is it even such a big deal? i mean, shes 24, shes been dating this guy since they were like 15, so it was going to happen...but im still weirded out by it. i guess because shes my first relative (besides my dad) to get married. but with my dad it wasnt weird...parents are supposed to be married. ive known her as a kid, as a teenager, and its hard to shake that and believe that she is in a place where she can get married. weird weird weird. it will be weird to go to the wedding too because i only see these cousins at christmas and i dont talk to them. plus i have to wear a dress. god i cant believe my cousin is getting married.

I GOT A JOB!!!

FINALLY!

i got a good report card for this semester, i have a job interview at 3, had tuna noodle casserole for lunch, and my piercing isnt bleeding anymore.

all in all today is a pretty good day!

i have no idea how to add links to the sidebar on this new blog.

i finally got my daith pierced. most painful little shit ever.

big news is shared with me, and im sorry...i had to tell somebody. especially since i thought the big news was a big joke. but where does he get off blaming his relationship problems on the thought that i might have leaked some info. anyway.

apparently the people at papa murphys hate me? which just goes to show that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, some people are just going to hate you. sometimes it doesnt seem like that many people and you can deal with it but sometimes it seems like its everyone in the whole world and makes you wonder why you even gather the energy to smile at anyone anymore. then you wonder whos lying to you and hiding their secret hate.

tomorrow is my birthday. all i know is that i cant wait to be done with 18. what a shitty year. not to mention its one of those milestone birthdays that everyone gives you grief for. oh...youre 18 huh??? make sure you get out there and vote! just like 16 and everyone gives you shit because you are a new driver. oh...youre 16 huh??? let me know when youll be on the roads! ill be sure to stay home! chuckle chuckle chuckle. you never hear anyone say...oh...youre 34 huh?

i really hate that my birthday is always right next to mothers day. then its not my day...its my moms day and my grandmas day too. not to mention that my grandmas birthday is today as well and not like i want to be the center of attention, but it would be nice for something to just be about me for once. it always ends up being that we go out to celebrate both birthdays and mothers day all in one shot.

i remember last year on the night before my birthday. all of the sudden at like 11:15 it hit me that im not going to be 17 anymore and i just started crying and crying. its so scary to turn 18. youre worried about all the new responsibilities that come with it, and excited for the new freedoms you are going to have. well i got the responsibility, im still waiting on the freedom. 18 just means so much and its hyped up so greatly that you figure that it must be great...but im not so sure about that. not to mention, i had one of the most taxing birthdays of my life last year. lets see. i had tech day from 8-4 then i went and got my ear pierced, then i had to race home and change into something nice and try to spend some time with my dad, eat cake and open presents on the run, then go to the thespian banquet from 7-12. i was, for the most part, ready to die after that.
i just hope tomorrow is a little more relaxing.

(i have to catch up, i havent written for a while)

apparently my family has turned into a charity case. our mothers day/birthday tradition is to go to Qcumbers and have brunch but we werent thinking that we would be able to do it this year since my dad is out of work for the time being. my dad told one of his friends about this and the man went and got my dad a gift certificate so we could all go. it makes me so happy that someone would care about my dad that much to do that for him and it was such a wonderful thing to do, but guess who my grandma attributed this great act of kindness to...thats right, GOD. she said, before my dad told us the story, that this was a "god story" its not a fucking god story, its a GARY story. god did not take my dads situation to heart and open his pocketbook and do a very nice thing...GARY did. i cant believe she would just take the credit away from gary like that.

i think my mom hates me being fat even more than i do. one week, she called me to ask me if i wanted her to order some diet pills for me (wouldnt be the first time...) and no more than 3 days later she called me to ask me if i wanted to go to that new day weight loss place. so we go on friday and to my dismay my mom says shes coming with me and i TOLD her dont talk for me, dont talk too much because she always does that. well what a surprise...my consultation turns into a discussion between the new day lady and my mom about how my mom lost weight, my moms hardships, how she tries to teach us to eat right, her parenting style BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. i told my mother i think i have an eating disorder. instead of being supportive and understanding like a NORMAL person would be, she took it as a personal victory. she had finally convinced me that i was a fucking cow. she had WON...she was RIGHT. that seems to be the only thing that matters to her. its more important than being happy, than being a DECENT HUMAN BEING and far more important than having me be happy. oh and then she went and told her friends! thanks mom!

the first day i was home from school i was rudely awoken by that song about winnie the pooh, then i was asked to go get some pop, then i was bitched at for my BROTHERS laziness, then i was ORDERED to get the pop, then i was bitched at some more. boy oh boy its great to be home.

for the record, i dont really dig this new blog format.

and somehow i always end up spending mothers day with my dad. it never fails.

this week i removed 2 keys from my keychain
one to my little home
and the other to my dorm

5 days till my birthday...woo hoo!! that means 5 days to a new piercing. my other one isnt exactly all the way healed...but its birthday tradition so i have to go.

just for the record:
the pen dance occured just over 3 years ago.
when did that happen? (the 3 years part i mean)

its my last night in my dorm and im not really sure what to do. lets see...its 1:10am right now and i have a final at 8 and i tried to go to bed at 11 but obviously i didnt succeed in that. unfortunatly i took a nap today for well over 3 hours plus i think ive had more than 4 servings of cherry pepsi today so that cant be good. if i take a tylenol PM right now i will probably sleep through my alarm. oh besides that, i just realized that i already packed the tylenol PM. my roommates not here, thats a given, so i cant look to her for entertainment. i think taco bell is closed. i already cleaned the sink and did most of the packing so...

they were supposed to take my car away today but i dont know if they actually did. last i checked (5:00) it was still there.

i cant believe im moving out of here. i feel like i just got settled. and i can remember moving in so vividly which is odd since i seem to forget most things. there is just nothing in this room anymore. i took out almost everything today except for my microwave and shampoo basically. tomorrow i will take my bed off its loft that my dad worked so hard to get up and return my room to its original, sterile state. oh and good news. since i cant find the chair that they put in my room in the beginning of the year i get to pay 60 bucks for it! goodbye book buy back money!
all my pictures are down, my theatre posters, the funny things i cut out of car and driver are gone too. nothing remains on my shelf except for the alarm clock and a can of hairspray but this still oddly feels like my room. tomorrow this year will end and will just become archived under "things to fondly remember." 9 whole months of my life will be condensed into a scattering of anecdotes to be shared with fellow soccer moms in about 15 years.

yup...and its time for bed...in this bed for the last time :-(

hmm. i dont think i want to go home anymore. nope i think id rather stay right here. with the school year ending and me returning home for the summer, that means...

4 months of curfew
4 months of meaningless chores
4 months of forcing myself to go to my dads house
4 months of thinking of ways to get out of going to my dads house
4 months of a crappy job that i dont even have yet
4 months of reporting my exact whereabouts 24 hours a day
4 months of listening to my brother and sister fight
4 months of being asked, "are you sure you should eat that?"
4 months of cleaning up after everyone elses' mess
4 months of having my every action criticized
4 months of being treated like a fucking 13 year old
and 4 miserable months of being a fucking pussy and not saying anything to try to change any of this

well heres to a great summer

goodbye mankato :-(
hello fargo!!
i got into NDSU!

oh yeah and i didnt get the poop job. lets see. interview on wednesday, letter of rejection on friday. i wonder if they even gave it a moments thought. oh well. its a whole different world in the basement of the humane society. there are so many animals down there and not all of them can be adopted. its so sad. and they have a 24 hour drop box for animals. how convenient.

my car is getting towed away on monday. the appointment is set and yet im still hoping that maybe, just maybe my mom will all of the sudden decide to cancel the appointment and send my car off to be stored at the farm for a few years until i can afford to restore it. well im much too hopeful and my mom is much too unthoughtful. i just cross my fingers that when i come home from school on tuesday that the apple of my eye will still be peacefully sitting in my driveway. i dont want anyone else to have it. i dont want it to become an organ doner. i want it in my driveway forever. its mine. that car took me to my first dance. it took me to countless happy theatre parties. it brought me to school on my last day and then later took me to graduation. its what made me love cars. its the first thing i ever really owned and i was so proud of it. i didnt care if it farted or that it was rusty and old. people made fun of it but that was ok. its been like a good friend and now ill never see it again. i hope i do but not on the back of a tow truck. that will make me freak out. i hope it goes off somewhere with the hansmobile.