i lost 9.8 pounds this week. i dont know how thats possible but im not complaining.

now i wish i was going home again. we still havent found a house so i have no idea where im living this summer. im done with finals the day before my birthday, a tuesday, and i want to leave asap but i dont know how thats possible if i have to deal with moving. yuck.

im doing a "needs assessment" tomorrow morning. somewhere else since i cant wait till october.

if someone were to ask me what i look for in a guy i would have to say, "i dont know, ill know it when i see it."
but i think the biggest thing is you have to be with someone who makes you feel good about being yourself while you in turn do the same for him.

i returned a movie two days ago only to discover that i had left the disk in the dvd player. oops.

ive been on program all week and my weigh-in is in an hour...

uugggh! i am stupid!
what was i thinking? i dont know what im doing and i surely made things worse.
auuugggghhhh!!

how could it be that the nearest appointment to see a psychiatrist is in OCTOBER!!
im losing it NOW! i cant wait that long!!

last friday i decided that i was fed up with my standstill in weight loss. actually it wasnt really a standstill. i counted calories for a little while and lost 10 pounds really quickly but then i "fell off the wagon" and it all came back. my daily exercise regime is killing me because an hour of working out turns into 2.5 after all is said and done. im slow. so i decided to join weight watchers.
i went when i was 12 but that was not because i wanted to. this time i really wanted to do it. i want that accountability that going to meetings has. i want to go and weigh in and have someone write it in my little book and have it be official. i want someone else to know when i have a gain and tell me to do something about it, rather than have me tell myself its just water weight and what not.
so i started on saturday, i paid for 10 weeks upfront so i have to go or face wasting my money. i have been on program all week and it is going very well.

i have to move again in a couple of weeks. im so tired of moving!!

i tried! its got to be better than doing nothing.
we'll see

i am holding off on this because i dont want to proclaim that i want something and try to embark on something when i have no idea how to do it the right way.

how can there be a right way? i dont know. but i see wrong almost every day.

but maybe the only way to do it right is to work on it together.
but that scares me.
how can i be so afraid of just another person?
how can i get it right when just saying hello makes my hands shake?

i want to get it right.
its too important to get wrong, just because i am afraid.

i want so badly to be ready, and to feel even the slightest bit of confidence that i might be able to get it right.

shit! i forgot to drop the change bag! im going to get written up for the second time in like a week!

i love my car

i dont even care about easter but its still a holiday that i would prefer not to spend alone. last easter i was shacked up in my dorm room coming down with a really bad case of tonsillitis. which, in turn, prevented me from working what would have been my last closing shift with zm ever. that sucked. this year at least i wouldnt be suffering from a disease but i would have 2 days in a row of no work and no school. tempting as it it to loaf around in the apt. by myself im not sure i want to.

i had a dream that my mom sold our house and moved into a new townhouse which was really nice and all but i woke up feeling overwhelmed with sadness. plus in my dream i didnt know where my dogs were. yuck. i do not want to lose our house. that is my home in the most concrete sense of the word.

i hate closing on sundays. i find it interesting how the sunday mid-shift just up and disappeared last week and how inconvenient for me, that was my shift. so now im closing on sundays and sundays are notorious for getting screwed. its slow forever and then all of a sudden theres a rush and you are just fucked up the asshole. i hate that we were talking about summer hours today and i felt like since hours get cut in the summer that many of them were going to be mine. especially since pm's is my anchor in fargo and without it i would sure as hell go home especially since i was offered a full-time position at valleyfair. i cant be the first to get screwed just because im the last wheel to squeek. plus i had a killer headache today.

1 month to birthday

hi chester!