uh oh...
i certainly didnt anticipate this. i felt the wave of depression wash over me again today. suffocating every ounce of joy i have in me. and why? because i dont want to leave mankato...MANKATO!!! why? didnt i hate it here? didnt i go home every weekend for the past semester?
then why did i feel a sense of calm when i entered my room today? the calm of knowing that i am home?
maybe because although this little box is crude and cramped...its the first home that i have had since i was 9 years old that wasnt ripped away from me every other weekend. i always knew i could count on my little room, that i was always welcome.
i didnt cry when my family left me here in august. i knew they would always be around. that i could always find them. that when i went home, things would more or less be the same as they had always been. the girls that i have lived with since then will be gone forever. there is a more than likely chance that i will never see any of them ever again. and even if i do, this configuration will never exist again after tuesday. they wont be able to walk over in the middle of the night for a quick chat. nothing. now theres a reason to cry. i will never again be welcome in my room. the place i have adopted as my home. kicked out of my home.
i dont want to leave
i know i cant stay. i dont even think i want to stay.
who knew that mankato could do this to you.

whoa scratch that! thanks to my wonderful reading skills i thought my last final was next thursday but in fact it is next tuesday!! so im out of here in a week!!

i think im gonna get the poop job! :-)

in 10 days i will pack up and leave mankato forever. im not sad because its over. not reminscant of good times ive had...because there havent been any. not even regretful that i didnt make more of the year. just a little down because things will never be the same. like i should care right? well ill miss the little things. going down to the smokers door and striking up a little conversation with a fellow cancer stick addict (well not anymore, dont worry), checking my mail (and usually not finding anything in there), eating breakfast (well, and lunch, and dinner) by myself and reading the newspaper, napping on my little couch. oh and i guess ill miss lexie a little bit. none of these things are really mankato specific though. i can have the same little routines or find a pain in the ass roommate anywhere i go. the only thing that ill miss that is mankato specific is the great feeling i get as i floor it the hell out of this town every weekend.

youth: life yet untouched by tragedy

huh...

well...i guess ive given up on the hope that xzibit will show up at my house and pimp my ride. so off it goes to be sold and probably raped so some charity can have an extra 500 bucks. see ya later buddy. sorry i wasnt as good to you as you were to me.

standing alone
with burned bridges all around me
i am an arsonist
and in no way a carpenter

i want to crawl under a table and hide. and there i will stay.
its safe in there. no new people to meet. no characters to maintain.
no long hallways, no trying to avoid eye contact.
no roommate observing my lifes routines. nobody to hurt.
theres no life under there either.
i so badly want to live. i want to interact, to share love.
but theres only room for one under the table.
and im scared to come out.

it would be my honor to work at the humane society and pick up poop. (crossing my fingers!!)

oh...and kissing me will no longer be like licking an ashtray. my smoking days are over!

i hope the wonder years comes out on dvd soon

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you you'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

-Audioslave

ive been stuck under this rock for too long
wishing i was dead, wishing i could go back in time
that doesnt belong in a friendship
well...it was not so much a friendship as it was a dictatorship
i cant wait to start being katie again
i have never felt so free
excited to begin my day
not crying at the end of it
maybe i do have issues
maybe you dont like the way im dealing with things
but all i know is that i am happy...truely happy for the first time in months
the last 6 months of my life are over...and i will never look back
im ready to continue.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG

i want to lose weight...but what if after i do...

people are still rude to me
i still get ignored
people are still mean
i am still ugly
i am still unhappy

then i have nothing to blame it on. being fat is a crutch. if things arent going my way then i can say fuck all the assholes who judge fat people. i can think...theres nothing wrong with me besides being fat, people just dont give me a chance because of that. maybe thats not the case. maybe i just suck.

im not a cryer...never have been. why should i pride myself on that.
should i be boastful that i possess an amazing ability to shove it all aside?
toss it into the dark closet of my mind...
i reach way in back. parents divorce. 9 years old. dont know how to feel. put it away.
sift through rack upon rack of lost friends. nothing fits anymore.
a broken heart sits next to fear. of what? rejection, getting too close to people...who knows. its dark in there.
towards the front...loss of faith...in god, in people, in my security, and in myself.
top shelf. all the cruel fat comments. sucked into a vacuum sealed bag. to make more room. i never forget that they are there.
tucking things away seems easy.
but eventually i need to switch on a light, and examine the contents...and cry.