if i had a flower for every time i thought of you, i could walk in my garden forever

there...
i caught up

i like to be surprising
so when people come to expect "niceness" from me
not only do i feel extremely taken for granted
i get upset because i can no longer be surprising
well surprise!!!
i can be a real BITCH too

my personality is so corrupted by my perceptions of what the world portrays as desireable traits...
how my friends act...
things i like about other people, i assume all people like
so i try to emulate them

WHAT AM I?
just a stone soup of outside influences

i like you...
but i dont want you to know that

those words are a call to action!
by telling you that, im basically demanding to know how you feel about me.
im not a demanding person

of course, i do want to know how you feel
but knowing the answer is also a call to action

if you like me too, then i guess we should start spending more time together?
maybe im not ready yet
maybe i dont want things to change
maybe i enjoy trying to get you to like me
maybe it makes things more interesting for me
maybe im scared to death of starting a relationship
maybe im already afraid ill try to drive you away
as ive done with so many others

but if you dont like me, then what do i do?
theres no use in trying to get you to like me anymore
because if you dont by now
you never will
my heart would be broken!
id rather not know

so im not going to tell you i like you
even though i really do

why are you always so nice

my world sits as a layer of dust on a fragile pile of NICE

every word i care to speak
is first sifted through my, "where do i get off making someone else feel bad" filter

but i should be wondering, "where do i get off making myself feel bad?"

NICE had beaten my spirit
crippled my sarcasm
poisoned my wit
i dont know who i am
i can only be nice for so long
after it runs its course
it leaves nothing being

being NICE is going to ruin me
i cant do this anymore
but i know it will never change

i waste everyday
waiting for tomorrow

tomorrow...i will start to stick to my guns
try to start becoming what i think i really am
start living a more true existance
the easy way is to agree
perhaps i agree with those i do not expect to keep around for very long
not worth the energy

in my life i have felt real passion for very few people
the ones i could honestly say "i love you" to
are the ones that never hear it
i find it so odd that i actually care about these few
that i feel my compassion for them is forced
and therefore i force it back down

so i appear to have 2 faces
one i wear to please my companions
usually smiling, always amicable
never has to be right

the other is one i do not force on
characteristics i am unable to name
because i cannot identify what it is
that makes me different from everyone else

the characteristics most people seem to like in others always seem to be the same
someone who is nice, caring, funny, smart.
isnt that what everyone wants?
if that is what people want, then that is how people act
so how do you find someone under the extreme guise of "niceness"?
maybe the person you are supposed to be with doesnt want a real nice girl
but there you are, caked in 20 years of residue of trying to be what you think everyone wants from you...what can you do?

that reside isnt exactly something that you can just dust off your shoulder
children are always told to be polite, play nice, and that if they cant say something nice, they shouldnt say anything at all.
its horse shit
especially since at the same time, they are being taught that "honesty is the best policy"

which is more right?
at what point do you need to decide that sparing peoples feelings is just not working for you anymore?
you cant just switch from being agreeable ALL THE TIME to being truthful.

people wonder what is wrong with you...
like when you are in a bad mood for one minute of one day and for that minute you cant put up with everyones bullshit anymore and you say something that isnt quite 100% nice and the blame is put on your long day...or just something outside of yourself.

when did i become the last nice person
the one that allows everyone else to walk all over me
when can it be someone elses turn
let me think im right all the time
but the thing is, i wouldnt even want that from someone

then why do i think that everyone wants that from me?

i just want to stop
stop talking, stop digging myself into a hole
your words are what make you who you are
but to someone who is still not sure
silence is golden

Guffaw: A hearty, boisterous burst of laughter

"many actors are introverts, and most introverts, while socializing, feel like actors."

and my computer is still broken...we dont have internet in the apartment yet anyway so its not like it matters if my computer works or not.

im home right now which is why this is possible. pretty sure im not going to post from the computers at school.

im home for my brothers graduation. it is unbelievably good to be home. im excited for my brother. im worried that he'll have the same "transitional problems" that i had though. but he probably wont because hes not a basketcase.

ive been writing in a notebook lately since i cant get online...ill probably copy that stuff onto here.

not right this second though