on christmas eve perhaps the true ways of my favorite person...my uncle john, were revealed. thinking he would be the only one who understand my feelings on homosexuality was a huge mistake. he called it perverted and wrong. this said as he was reading a book about a MURDERER who apparently turned christian. oh yeah and i can see how LOVING a person in a socially unacceptable way is so much worse than KILLING someone. then my grandma who calls herself a christian said sharply in reply to me saying how much i love the guys from queer eye, that they in fact do not love me. well of course they dont. i dont even know them. she said they are human beings and god loves them but in a tone like i hope they get what they deserve come judgement day. thats the only good thing she had to say about that. my dad started calling them fruitcakes and them my uncle, sensing my disgust in their behavior tried to pass it off as a joke and was trying to have a good chuckle with me. someone i have looked up to all my life and i can never see him the same way.

an improptu trip to mound...yeah i wanted to check out my roommates surroundings and try to estimate how rich she is. mound sucks!! even highway 12 is just a little 2 way road all the way over there. theres nothing there!!! we found her house and then were on a hunt for a gas station but had little luck. we decided to keep going and on the way passed like 5 cops! lost, we decided to take some random turns and became suspicious when we realized someone was following us. one more right turn later and he pulled us over! for going too slow! he thought adria was intoxicated and we couldnt find her license in her suitcase but it was in her envelope of money. now he probably thinks we are drug dealers! and i look about 15 so thats bad news considering it was 1:30am and there were cigarettes in the car. adria told him he was scaring us when he was following us and that we were lost and he gave us some shit directions to some phantom gas station. oh yeah and we passed by 2 cemeterys in 5 miles. creepy town. fun night though!

dear friend

no matter where i go...
who i meet
how long i live
you will always be my match
though i turned my back on you
and revealed my weak character
you were there
never spiteful
always true
a soulmate i found in you
sometimes its like it never happened
but we cant pretend it didnt
though we have been stretched too far
and it will never be the same
as long as we are friends
it will always be good
life goes on without golf courses
and family guy parties
but not without true friends
not without best friends

in my heart i keep saying, "i want to go home."

but i am home

budgets being shared
numbers being crunched
trying to make time
dad all alone
family in romania
trying to make do
feelings of guilt
loss of magic
anxiety attack
counting days remaining
tears in solitude
curiosity not explored
sad little list
even sadder little tree
he didnt even put on the ornaments this year
fails in comparison
i shouldnt compare
i dont really care
stockings already filled
so much for that
its over in 10 minutes
we dont need any cookies in this house
its a nice try
why even bother
hoping things will mend
can grandma hold up without her daughter
no more caroling
i dont read the bible
lack of kids table-not enough kids
ability to sleep that night
scared of cousins
missing other cousins
$15 scanner
pre-approved gifts
completely gone


what happened to christmas

TEARS ART SCARED SORRY SAD ANNOYED LAUGH STOP WRONG OUTSIDE BAD HOME LIFE FRIENDS WRETCH DEPRESSED DAD ALONE GUILT CAR DECIDE WORK SHOULD WHO TIRED TATTOO GOD DOUBT SICK CONFUSED LOSS MEANING NUMB FRY CRY COLD EMPTY SEX WHERE BOAST WISH SKANK LOW APOLOGIZE TRY FAT LOW MISTAKE TODAY WRONG LOVELY DISREGARDED MYSELF SOMEONE LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME DEATH SELFISH FACIAL APPRECIATE LACK SWEET DECEIVE LESS MOTION LOST INADEQUATE PITY FRIENDS BEGIN PROJECT DRAINED FAIL AVERAGE PROMISES OFFEND WISDOM EXCLUSIVE HATE SPOILED DISAPPOINT LEARN AFRAID COWARD TANGLED NAILS

i went to WISCONSIN today!!! :-D

im a bad friend and i cant do this!! i dont know how to be myself, i just dont even know. i dont think my friends would like who i really am and im just so tired. avoiding calls, making excuses. i cant relax and i feel bad either way. its not fair to them its not fair to anybody.

how can there be a feeling of christmas magic when your mom announces her christmas budget to you. i love christmas, but not when im broke. not when 5 members of my family are in romania. break becomes hectic when im busy dodging bullets in the form of phone calls. scared to commit myself to friends, scared of not having any. cant i keep them all at arms length...there when i need them, not bothering me when i dont. i guess thats really not a friendship.

I have spent the past 3 1/2 months almost in isolation. no roommate, few friends. no obligations beyond class and no one would miss me there. a weekend passed when i departed from my room so little that on sunday,a friend asked me how my weekend at home was. finally home, finally needed. i strive for alone time but for so long i have actually been able to have it in abundance, and i think its been too much...to know that tomorrow morning, someone will be depending on me to pick them up, and that later on, someone will be anticipating my call makes me finally feel needed, and important.

i thought i only had 40 questions to study. there's 108. i thought wrong.
went out to check my car to make sure the battery is still workin and i was too late. yup. its dead again.
ran into a guy helping a girl move her crap out of her room. shes not with him. tells me, im leavin and im never coming back. then he sees the girl hes with. he tells her the story. explains that i now think he is the weirdo that has lived on the girls floor the for the past semester and that i think he is nuts. then goes...no, i didnt, but the sex was great huh? what a fuckin psycho.
being sick for the past few days has left me with little to no appetite and im thinkin this is a great trend. someone come find me and give me mono, k?

im having dreams about spider solitare. i think thats a sign to find something better to do.

how come when i called papa murphys to see if i could work there over break they told me they were full right now but then less than a week later they call to see if my brother wants to work there?? um hello ive got almost 2 years of experience there...why the hell would they want my brother there and not me? bunch of ass faces.

i need a major. i need to know where i want to be next year. should i stay in mankato and wish almost everyday that i wasnt here...should i transfer back home and hope for the best. i dont know if i can handle switching schools. it takes me forever to make friends...not that i have many here...but i dont know if i can handle another year here either. my mom says im too creative to be under a car...im not creative...who cares. ive narrowed it down to:

journalism
auto repair
interior design
culinary arts
pharmacy
dental hygiene

for now anyway.
i dont want to settle. i know so many people who just know...they couldnt see themselves as being anything else. theres nothing out there that i just cant wait to be. somebody make this decision for me!

5 days till break. when i can return home for an entire month and not have to cram in hanging out with all of my friends into 3 days. i hope this time helps me decide if i should stay or if i should move on. 3 people on my floor have already moved out because they are withdrawling from the university and i think there are more planning on it.

i pretty much dont have a roommate. ok, i thought i could deal with that. no wait, i was thrilled with that idea. a room to myself...hell yeah. sometimes i just want to shoo her out so i can move along with business. but its been 2 months. this novelty is a bit worn and although my instant gratification side still wants her to stay away, i know that if she had been here more during that time, we would be much better friends right now.

speaking of friends...i dont have any here. the one i thought i liked a lot is sorta flaky. she always talks about drinking and all the stuff she drinks, yet when we go out she doesnt drink, she doesnt drink in the rooms...i dont think she drinks anywhere. i dont care if she drinks or not, but dont boast about it if you dont do it. mmmkay?

speaking of drinks, i havent gone out for over a month and my half full bottle of captain has been sitting in the freezer for most of the time ive had it. so there you go.

so lets get this straight. my roommate sucks and i have no friends. i never thought that in a place where i am surrounded by dozens of girls that i could be so lonely. im lonely as hell and i want to go home.

i realized that there was no such thing as santa when after my parents got divorced, all the good stuff came to my moms house.

if i stay here i may find myself lost in a jumble of choices, none exactly calling to me, some close enough to settle for. if i go i will have feelings of guilt for a long long time...

Can you love Christmas but not believe in any of that Jesus stuff? I feel like im faking it....well i am faking it.