my class is cancelled on monday! that means i get to come home on sunday night! then only three more days of class after that...

i have really had it with the fafsa. it is the most unsophisticated process i have ever had to deal with. they ask you everything about everything and then they dont believe you and make you mail in copies of your tax forms. if they arent going to believe that i have no money, why not just let me skip the formality of filling out the retarded form and just come to my house and search my files. thats what they want to do. what a waste of time. and it was like this last year too. honestly! i have no money! how hard is that to believe! i cant fucking wait until next year when i am just done with this shit.

you must think i am stupid. why is it that people lie right to my face? cut the fucking bullshit and be straight with me for one second. what the fuck is going on here?

errrrr! i am so frustrated!!! (not about the stupid plasma thing, by the way)

i was going to look for a second job to supplement my income but decided that wouldnt be a very good idea, especially once school starts so i thought i should try to donate plasma. i tried to do it in mankato which was a very unpleasant experience altogether. i had to book my initial appointment like a month ahead of time, then when i got there my pulse was too high so i couldnt donate. so anyway, this was over two years ago and i am still "active" in their system, which means i couldnt make an appointment to donate in fargo because you can only go to one place at a time. so they said it would take 3-5 days to deactivate me from mankato. 3-5 days!? what for?!?! so anyway, at least they dont book out a month ahead of time. they were able to get me in for tomorrow before the deactivation thing became a factor. so that will be terribly exciting to do. hopefully i dont freak out and have a high pulse like last time. i was just afraid that they were going to yell at me about the piercings and all...they didnt even mention it but i was so worked up about it.

today is my first day with












so this should be interesting.

know what i love the most about accutane. people are always saying things like, this should work, this might work....with accutane its like, this works. it works and thats all there is to it. check out this post from august 2003...im a retard. i feel like i already posted that but maybe i just said it because i cant find it.

So I was supposed to go to the dermotologist today to decide if I should go on accutane or not...and I totally forgot. I woke up like 10 minutes before I was supposed to be there so I didnt have time to shower or anything so my hair is totally standing on end and I look really disgusting, but good news! I am not going to use accutane because my other treatment is working ok. Its not some miracle treatment though...I'm on THREE medications for ACNE! How sad is that!

ive been doing my pilates religiously every day for the past 3 weeks and im really starting to see the results.

i bought a pair of SIZE SIX pants the other day.

compare that to this lovely pair of size 20 jeans. THAT I AM IN ONE LEG OF!

so the last time i saw this part of my family they looked sort of like this...













and now i guess they look more like this...


















so i guess you can understand why i did not recognize my littlest cousin. there are only 8 more days until they come home!

so i pretty much think that my antibiotic isnt working. some of the redness went away but that could still be from the cortisone shot since she said it would work for three weeks. thats good news for me because we all know what i really want.

in september i am going to run a half marathon. it is called the dick beardsley half marathon and it is in detroit lakes. im excited because its not going to be a boring course. the whole thing goes around a lake so it will be beautiful!

im a retard and i tried to sit on the tv rocker chair the wrong way the other day and of course i just fell backwards INTO the coffee table and now i have a massive bruise but i like having bruises so im satisfied.

im getting annoyed by anything and everything right now. i dont know what my deal is. my extreme excitement for going to the cabin next month has been replaced with a fear of how im going to be able to afford taking a week off. but then again im not pleased with anything right now. im drained.

i got to work today at 2:00 LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO and was told to leave and come back at 4:00. i understand it not being busy and having to keep labor down and everything, but...
a. thats just annoying
b. i NEED to plan ahead
c. i could have slept for TWO more hours
d. i HATE unannounced changes
e. i dont think the same thing would have happened had the situation occurred a year ago.
f. not like im hogging all the hours.

it think its awful how some people on the caringbridge site are saying things like maybe we will have a miracle. that just gives this false sense of hope.






chester looks so mean.

i cant help but think right now that certain things are the way they are (work) because of certain personal circumstances? preferences? grudges?

i would hope not, but i really cant help but think they are.

and its making me SO FUCKING MAD

www.caringbridge.org/visit/sophiad

i am so excited to go to the cabin for four days next month i can hardly sleep.

i miss my family

my new baby cousin has this.

Infantile spinal muscular atrophy (Werdnig-Hoffamann disease) is the most severe form of SMA. It usually becomes evident in the first six months of life. The child is unable to roll or sit unsupported, and the severe muscle weakness eventually causes feeing and breathing problems. These children usually do not live beyond about 18 months of age.

Type I SMA is also called Werdnig-Hoffmann Disease. The diagnosis of children with this type is usually made before 6 months of age and in the majority of cases the diagnosis is made before 3 months of age. Some mothers even note decreased movement in of the final months of their pregnancy.
Usually a child with Type I is never able to lift his/her head or accomplish the normal motor skills expected early on in infancy. They generally have poor head control, and may not kick their legs as vigorously as they should, or bear weight on their legs. They do not achieve the ability to sit up unsupported. Swallowing and feeding may be difficult and are usually affected at some point, and the child may show some difficulties managing their own secretions. The tongue may show atrophy, and rippling movements or fine tremors, also called fasiculations. There is weakness of the intercostal muscles (the muscles between the ribs) that help expand the chest, and the chest is often smaller than usual. The strongest breathing muscle in an SMA patient is the diaphragm. As a result, the patient appears to breath with their stomach muscles. The chest may appear concave (sunken in) due to the diaphragmatic (tummy) breathing. Also due to this type of breathing, the lungs may not fully develop, the cough is very weak, and it may be difficult to take deep enough breaths while sleeping to maintain normal oxygen and carbon dioxide levels.

i love being TWENTY ONE. i finally feel like a true adult.
even though i thought that at 15, 18, 20...now i really think im right.
and it feels awesome!

well i have for the most part quit weight watchers for the time being. seeing as i didnt go to the meeting on saturday and i had ice cream mixed with cereal for breakfast...
but i can retain my last three prepaids for some time in september when ill feel the urge again im sure.

oh my goodness i have the voice of an angel!!

its several months away still but i am very excited for this concert!

i have been feeling slightly less anxious at work lately. its a nice feeling, certainly makes things more enjoyable/bearable. i cant wait to see how good things can get in a couple of weeks. im so excited that i might be able to break free of the fear that has been holding me back from EVERYTHING. ive tried to tell people what it is that makes it so i cant function around them, why i cant open up...and there are no words. there is no description that fits it because when i say it first of all its not me saying it, and it never sounds right.

i have to work at midwest kids fest on friday morning. im a little scared.

my brilliant brother decided that he needed to witness the miracle of the spin cycle himself and instead of sticking his finger in the sensor hole like a normal person, he fashioned himself a poker with a clothes hanger. then he decided that he needed to leave but somehow forgot to remove said clothes hanger. no damage to the washer but my mom was somewhat less than pleased to find this configuration.

i started ethics class today. i wasnt sure what to expect from it, seeing as its a 200 level class and sometimes those are pretty hard and sometimes they are a joke. this guy spent five minutes telling us the difference between monotheistic and polytheistic faiths-which really isnt pertinent to our class anyway-so which category do you think this class falls under. im still excited for this class but mr. man better pick up the fucking pace.

i did 60 minutes on the stairmaster today. thats intense. i thought i was doing pretty well until mr. 65 year old superman decided to show me up. i feel challenged at the 7 floors per minute stage, and exhausted at 10...this guy was doing FIFTEEN. ridiculous.

in three weeks my family is coming home from romania. im very excited. i saw a recent picture of them though and found myself wondering who the strange kid was in the photo. turns out its my cousin. hmmm.

i am obsessing over accutane. i cant help it. im excited. im actually hoping the antibiotic she gave me doesnt do anything just so i can go on accutane. i want to read everything about it and last night i actually read a 34 page law school paper on it. im sick.

today i took a set of before pictures. the after isnt coming for a long time though.

am i ready for this shit or what.

Indicated for:
Severe Recalcitrant Nodular Acne

Isotretinoin is a medication taken to treat severe nodular acne that has not been helped by other treatments, including antibiotics.

Today isotretinoin is usually prescribed after other acne treatments have failed to produce results. The treatment of acne usually begins with topicals, moves to oral antibiotics (or a combination) and finally isotretinoin therapy. This is because other treatments, while less effective than isotretinoin, produce far fewer side effects.

A single course of therapy for 15 to 20 weeks has been shown to result in complete and prolonged remission of disease in many patients.

i have the WHOLE day off tomorrow!

i cant do it. i cant be on weight watchers right now. im starting to see it as a death sentence and its driving me crazy. im going back to the 60 minutes on the stairmaster/half marathon training thing. hopefully the only reason i feel like a whale right now is because of the shot i got in the ass yesterday (cortisone?? i dont even know what it was! does cortisone make you retain water?)

it has been such a beautiful summer so far and right now I LOVE FARGO. just changing my route to get to work by driving through downtown makes the day better. though i thought i had driven through most of fargo, just the other day i drove over the main avenue bridge for the first time and it was beautiful. the tall buildings arent as plentiful but they are all in the right places. they give a hint of home without being overwhelming. and downtown is so historic and interesting. i dont know why its like im seeing it for the first time. my first summer class ended today and it being a film class-was very enjoyable. every single one of the films we watched is now one of my favorites. except children of heaven. i didnt like that one too much. maybe its because we watched it on the first day after i had driven 3.5 hours after 3 hours of sleep and i had a cold and i was pissed about my cable guy situation. but still i didnt like the movie that much. up next is 4 weeks of ethics class and then nothing. except going to the cabin!!

i went to the cabin for one day last year after not being there for almost four. i was thinking about it recently and i remember that day so vividly and it was only one ordinary day. i could almost call it one of the best days of my life. its funny because it was so simple. and because it was in the midst of the most mundane, horrible, disasterous summer of my life. the day being the fourth of july, papa murphys was closed and i didnt know what i was going to do with myself since holly's plans to come to fargo didnt work out and if i wasnt working i didnt know what else to do. knowing that danny holly and steve would be at the cabin i thought about it and thought the visit would be too short to justify the drive but quickly changed my mine, packed a bag and went to the IACC to print out directions. i didnt leave until almost 11pm since i worked that day and i couldnt stay long since i worked on the 5th, but i had to go.

if i thought the drive to the cities was boring...well at least its mostly safe. fairly well lit. 3 hours on highway 10? in the middle of the night? lets talk no center barrier, construction and bad lighting. i got to drive through detroit lakes though which was quaint. so i get to breezy and the kicker is, hello, i havent been there for four years and this isnt exactly suburbia...i have no idea which secluded dirt road to take to the driveway. at least i had my mapquest directions so i found it. got there at 2 am and danny and steve were still up sitting at the bonfire. holly was already asleep and no one else even knew i was coming.

my aunt and uncle were there and left early on the 4th. it was nice to surprise my grandparents. for the day it was us 4 and the grandparents. i got up early to my grandpa making breakfast and then sat on the beach and swam and swam! we went to the grocery store and there is something spectacular about "going into town" that you lose when you actually live in town. after spending the early afternoon getting drunk on sun and swim, it feels liberatingly civilized to actually dry off and go somewhere. we got stuff for dinner and then spent more time outside. we ate dinner and then played scrabble or catch phrase or something. had a bonfire and then had to call it a night. even though all we really did was relax and spend time together, it was the sort of day that you dont want to end so you want to stay up as late as possible even if you do have to get up early and drive back to fargo. i cant believe how fortunate we are to have such a beautiful place to go to. i always thought it was my favorite place when i was little and it really is. it doesnt get much better than that.

so i drove 6 hours round trip in order to spend 12 hours up north but i would do it again. i could have spent that day holed up in my apt. sleeping or crying.

anyway so ive been thinking about how much i love it up north and how great it would be to get a job up there next summer before i get a real job. i just dont know where i would stay since im sure no one would appreciate me LIVING at the cabin all summer...but i could spend a considerable amount of time there.

at the dermatologist today she gave me an rx for some combination antibiotic...and then told me they could give a shot for my inflammation. sure that sounds good i said. i dont even know what it was but imagine my surprise when the next thing she says is ok you get to choose which cheek you want it in. a shot in the butt? never in my life...
in a month i get to go back to talk about accutane. add another month onto there to get pregnancy issues aside and im there.
as for my lack of a reminder call, they have my room # from four moves ago! no wonder. good thing i got a reminder card in the mail today after like 3 forwards...good thing i got it at 11:00 pm.
it was nice to correct them of my weight in the system today :-)

i was leafing through one of my jot everything down notebooks just to check on when my derm. appointment was not expecting it to be till the 15th or something but surprise its TODAY! good thing i didnt wait till tomorrow to find out. havent they ever heard of a fucking reminder call? hello i made the appointment THREE MONTHS AGO. if i would have missed it and had to wait till september there would have been hell to pay.

alright...tomorrow back on program. feeling gross from eating bad food sucks. plus the scale is reading that im up 6 pounds from saturday morning. i know its just food sitting in my stomach and that you cant gain 6 pounds in 2 days but i still dont like it.

RULES FOR OUR CUSTOMERS.

1. do not make comments about how good it smells in the store. i cant smell it until i bring it home on my jeans at the end of the night and that is NOT pleasant.

2. do not stare at me laying pepperonis and then say something retarded like, "you must be good at cards", or "you could be a blackjack dealer". yeah because my true aspiration in life is to be a smokin good blackjack dealer.

3. do not ask me to repeat the specials. fucking listen the first time. i already have to say them a hundred times in a day.

4. do not ask me if you can "change a few things" by which you mean make a hawaiian into a beef and mushroom because you have a hawaiian coupon and are a cheap ass.

5. a delite is called a delite. do not call it a thin and crispy, low-carb, skinny pizza, deluxe, delightful, or call it "you know, the thin crust" while holding your pointer finger and thumb close together to indicate thin-ness.

6. think about the concept of coupons. YES YOU NEED TO HAVE IT WITH YOU. i dont care if you can tell me what it looked like, where you got it, where it is right now. I NEED IT AND THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT.

7. i didnt name the pizzas and i didnt make up the sizes. i dont care if you think medium, large, family is stupid. yes maybe it should be small medium large, but its not that difficult and i didnt think it up.

8. obviously the cinnamon rolls are good. its dough with cinnamon butter smear on it. what could be bad.

9. amazingly i havent eaten everything on the menu. and just because i like something doesnt make it good.

10. extra toppings cost extra money. hello. this is a fucking business what do you think. no i cannot throw a little handful of olives on there retard.

11. if you come in at 8:58 i hate you. plain and simple. but if you order a chicago or a gourmet vegetarian, you are dead to me.

12. NO WE DO NOT HAVE SPOONS. what, are you too good to stick your finger in your cookie dough like everyone else?

13. we may have a garbage can but that doesnt mean im willing to take your nasty old trash with my clean hands. and you better not leave it on that counter!!

14. if you make your kids call in your order, they better not turn to you every 3 seconds to ask questions. why not just call it in yourself fucker?

15. i HAVE to ask you if youve baked our pizzas and the only way i wont is if you come in enough that i know your name. so dont give me shit about it. dont ask if anyone ever says no. just say yes and leave shithead.

i guess you could say its been a long week...

i sorta always knew that my "preoccupations" with things were not healthy...or normal.
now i have proof!
guess who has obsessive compulsive disorder with a side dish of generalized anxiety!
guess whos gonna start taking meds at the end of the month!

and my dermo appointment is finally nearing!! hellooooooooooooooooo ACCUTANE! how is it that i ended up with the nastiest acne ever. i just dont know.

i really cannot handle being on weight watchers right now. it just starts to get to you. you feel like you are in a cage of restrictions and it makes you so angry that you cant eat how you want and that becomes your preoccupation. i always just end up eating the same old things almost everyday because its really hard to plan out meals based on your points. you start to learn what has how many points and its too much work to expand. but then eating the same things every day just gets awful and all you want is a PIZZA. so yesterday was fed up with my unsuccessful weight in and i got that pizza. i got a tub of cookie dough too. and some alcohol. and i enjoyed it ALL. and yesterday just sorta carried into today because i cant throw away leftovers and hopefully today doesnt carried over into tomorrow because then where will i be. i have 3 weeks left of prepaids for weight watchers and although i think it is a good program, i cant do it for life. i couldnt even do it for 2 months. it feels really good to know that you are eating well though but im so tired of being hungry and obsessing about food all the time. so even though i want to be a part of weight watchers, i dont know if ill be buying any more prepaids for a while.