i guess i have always had a hard time deciphering love from infatuation.

i cant help it...when i love something, i want to surround myself in it. this applies even all sorts of things...i like history...i like to collect little relics from the past. i like to surround myself in it. i like to research and learn everything i can about something. i like to become an expert in what i love. ive done it a hundred times...

i shouldnt do it to people.

yet i continue to. i know ive said this before. i treat each new crush like a research project.

and it ruins everything.

my book came. i havent read much of it. the worst part about trying to change my people pleasing is...im not really aware of how to change it in the moment. i look back on situations knowing what i could have said, totally cool-headed. in the situation, im just awash with anxiety, apathy, i dont know...i just have no color. im a grey agreeing machine. im so tired of it. i just want to be real. the worst thing you can do is be fake. im SO good at it. i know exactly how to please everyone. most people anyway. some are unpleaseable. those are the ones i like the best. being fake is worse than maybe hurting someones feelings, maybe making someone feel foolish.

what am i afraid of?

i think im afraid of being exposed...as imperfect.

but obviously everybody already knows that.