two days ago i was ready to pack up my things and go home. yesterday i was having these flashes of panic that were telling me, if you leave fargo this summer, you will regret it to no end. why are you going home to live with your parents, to leave your job, to essentially abandon your independence?

you LOVE your coworkers. you love them as much as you know how, as much as you can...as far as friends go, they are the best ones that i have. they are the closest thing to a family that i have forged for myself. even though i still feel something is missing, its pretty good. maybe my expectations are too high. i dont think i even know how good it is. it would be very upsetting to lose that. that is what is keeping me here. but when im with them, i still feel all alone. they are still "social contacts" and i still feel socially anxious. each day right at first i feel like today is a new day, a new opportunity for me to let them find out who i really am, and inevitably, each day i screw it up. i perpetuate the fascade and that feeling makes me sick. it makes me so angry and i have it all the time. can i live like that?

BUT THEY ARE GOING TO HIRE SOMEONE TO REPLACE ME. WHAT IF THEY LOVE HER AND THEY DONT MISS ME AT ALL. WHAT IF WHEN ITS TIME FOR ME TO COME BACK, THEY DONT WANT HER TO LEAVE AND SHE GETS ALL MY HOURS AND SHES A BETTER SUPERVISOR. can i take that chance?

can i really go home for THE WHOLE SUMMER? can i make myself get acquainted with a new set of people and new rules at a new job. lets face it, its taken me 18 months to reach this comfort level at papa murphys and by most peoples standards, ive gotten nowhere. i hate meeting new people. i got a call from valleyfair today to schedule a phone interview for tomorrow. what should i say if they offer me a job? are things as good at home as i make them out to be in my mind? what if i cant wait to get back to fargo in like, july. what if its august 21st and ive gotten so attached to home that i cant bear the thought of going back. at least if im miserable here, i wont know the difference. and i wont have to endure that AWFUL drive back.

take last summer (please)... was it worth staying here for the like, 2 halo parties i went to for a total of like, 3 hours of work-friend contact? the 1 day of supervisor training? the handful of moments of fun-lighthearted fare? the like, millimeter of closeness i gained? was it worth missing mothers day, fathers day, my birthday, and the countless hours of brother and sister fun? we make our own destiny though and i can only blame myself for the dourness of my summer. i need to grab some bulls balls.

am i making myself miserable so its easier to choose home???

but then what do i do in slp...how am i any better off than here? sure i have my brother and sister, but what do i do when they are off with their friends? so ill have some mediocre job and ill be going to classes, but i wont have my pm friends. and im very schedule-oriented and if i cant have my ndsu schedule structure, i dont know what ill do.

oh plus there is the matter of having a place to live. which at present, is an unknown in fargo.

gross. this sucks.

im making a list.

FARGO
pros:
-papa murphys; including but not limited to...
rb, tr, kh, zm, pb, bd, being supervisor, decent schedule, already know what to expect, somewhat respected, just got a raise, good hours, being included.
-social; could get closer to the pm people, spend time with them.
-school; free workout center, good classes to take this summer, schedule, financial aid available
-town; i like it, its like urban-prairie and there is just something about it that i love.
-living arrangement; more independent
cons:
-papa murphys; the work gets mundane and i get ridiculously fed up with customers. summer busy times can be unpredictable and i know already its going to piss me off, even though it would be nice to work mornings, i already know that i will get to work like 3 of them the whole summer and the rest will be close, close, close. even though i will be closer to them physically, i will probably still feel left out of whatever and be too afraid to invite myself to things. i will probably spend most of my time outside of work alone.
-social; seeing as im socially retarded, ill probably go into hermit mode.
-school; they do not offer one of the classes i would like to take this summer which would mean i would either have to take one more class fall semester, or take it online through north hennepin community college. plus one of the classes i have to take is at a shitty time which will fuck up my work schedule.
-town; sometimes i feel a million miles away from anything here. there are no lakes and the weather can sure suck.
-living arrangement; dont even know what it will be right now, though talks are in the works about finding a house to rent for the summer with my roomies. however, whatever it is, it sure as hell wont be home and it wont be FREE either.

summary: am i willing to risk being alone for a chance to keep up with my friends at work and not miss any opportunities to get closer to them?

ST. LOUIS PARK
pros:
-work; would probably get paid more for whatever i do. would be refreshing to do something new.
-social; well since my 2 best friends LIVE in the same house as me, i should be ok. not to mention all of their friends who i like very much. plus i have all of my family and there are many things happening with them this summer that i do not want to miss. ie: uncle daves new baby in may, smiths home from romania in july...
-school; could take 4 classes i really need and the schedule for them is pretty good. im pretty sure normandale and nhcc have gyms for students too so i could keep up my workout schedule.
-town; ive been waiting forever for a chance to run around lake calhoun. i missed last summer in minneapolis and it would be wonderful to be able to go out to the beach or walk around uptown.
-living arrangement; its my house! what can i say, pretty much my favorite place in the world.
cons:
-work; nothing is set now which makes me nervous. i hate starting a new job. i might not like it.
-social; when d and h are with their friends there wont be much for me to do.
-school; i cant get financial aid for those schools, they are sorta far away, i hate starting at a new school.
-town; i dont know, slp sure isnt perfect but at least im not an island in an ocean of plains.
-living arrangement; classic "living with the parents" complaints. its the being reminded every wednesday for the past 11 years that its garbage night sort of thing that can really make a person crazy.

summary: am i willing to try new things and leave my independence and friends from work in order to be able to spend time with my friends and family and feel like i am really part of a family system again??

WHERE AM I GOING TO MISS OUT ON WHAT IS HAPPENING AT THE OTHER PLACE MORE?

the thing that worries me most about leaving fargo for the summer is the POTENTIAL for things to happen. oh sure, ideally i could treat my problems and learn how to get close to people and spend my summer hanging out with the girls having a great time and be zms girlfriend and live in a cool house with my roomies etc...but is that going to happen? no way.

where am i going to be happiest? i do not know.