i am really upset and i am eating it away. literally. with pizza.

i can NOT control my food intake. i cant tell myself what to do. i cant set limits because then all i think about is breaking these limits. i get resentful of even putting them there and i revolt against them. even though i am the one who puts them there. i rebel as to say heres a big fuck you to the one whos making me do things this way. except im putting the limits there. i counted calories for a while. i ate 1200 a day. that worked for a little but then all i cared about was the food. i was obsessive about it and i dont think i was getting enough nutrition just to avoid taking in more calories. so then i wanted to try south beach diet because there is no counting but after only 2 days i was furious that i couldnt eat the things i wanted to eat so i quit. now im on the "i exercise every day so ill eat whatever the fuck i want" diet but im not losing any weight and that makes perfect sense because i have very little control.

even though im working out for at least an hour every single day, the numbers on the scale are teetering up. i see it and i convince myself that im retaining water, or something like that. i fluctuate 6-8 pounds in a few days and it drives me crazy and i feel like more of a person on the light days and i feel like a complete failure on the heavier days. im spending so much time in the gym yet i feel like it is never good enough. i should be pushing myself harder, i should be running longer, i should be lifting heavier. why dont i sweat enough? i must be doing something wrong. and all that running makes me HUNGRY. im getting really sick of this shit.

i hate seeing myself every minute of every day and worrying about how thick my wrists are, or if my double chin is coming back. ive been stuck at this plateau for months and i dont even feel like losing weight is my accomplishment anymore. its fat katies accomplishment. i have done nothing. ive been 160 pounds since way before thanksgiving. in the morning im 157.5 then at night im 161 and i cant take it. im so fucking ANNOYED.

i cant sleep. im tired all day long and then its time for bed and all i can think about is my heart beating so heavily in my chest.

im so sick of the everyday right now. theres never anything to look forward to. on mondays and wednesdays i only have 2 hours of class and i dont work so if i have anything to look forward to, its those days off. but by 6pm on those days, ive started dreading the next day already. tuesday and thursday are 4.5 hours of class and then 5.5 hours of work. not to mention my hour+ in the gym. the weekend basically doesnt exist because its class, workout, work, sleep, workout, work, sleep, work, workout. its gone before its begun and so starts another week.

going to work means pasting on my happy face and i dont even know why. im there and im bound by something. my mind feels numb. sometimes its almost like an out of body experience. i dont know what im saying i dont know why im saying it. but i also dont know what "I" would say. maybe this is functioning social anxiety. i do what works but then i get home and i analyze every conversation thinking about what i could have or should have said. it drives me crazy. BUT I CANT STOP IT.

i used to think that people could see right through me and would realize what kind of person i really am and that they knew that i was just playing along most of the time, but i have lost that feeling. i dont know what they see. its...awful. im like a wooden board. a smiley wooden board half the time and a seething ball of rage the other half. but its never because of anyone that im seething, i just am. i HATE the creature that i am there and i cant stand that "she" is the only concept they have of me and i just want to be NORMAL. i speak in a higher voice at work all the time. THAT IS NOT ME. but i dont know how to fix it. i think im in this chronic state of anxious shock.

i want to go home now.
the longer im away the worse i get. they are the charger to my battery. i dont know who i am i dont know what im doing i dont know my place in this world when i am away from my family for this long and i know ive gone longer but it doesnt get any easier. i can feel myself drifting from them, like they have forgotten about me. im too far away to be part of their lives. they dont call me as much anymore.

i can already sense a panic attack on the return trip to fargo and it is going to be ugly because i really dont know when ill be back. am i in fargo this summer? am i wasting away working 35 hours a week and then doing nothing? can i even live here this summer? do i need to take a class in order to do so? if not, where am i going to live? 1 remote possibility exists but that would probably not be a good idea. other than that, what? do i go home this summer and hope to retain my place at p.m's here? and if i go home, where am i going to work? dads restaurant? somewhere else? and even though i feel a constant barrier preventing me from getting close to my friends at work here, i do really care about them and i would miss them. this is probably going to be my last summer working there...should i embrace it? then again last summer was one of the loneliest, most tedious, boring and depressing of my entire life. i dont know what to do.

one more thing...
as soon as i can get myself into a dr.'s office i am getting on my hands and knees and pleading for a prescription for
ACCUTANE
im fucking tired of this shit. i didnt want to take it before because of the blood test/pregnancy test hassle and because of the mile long list of side effects but i dont fucking care anymore. im done with this shit. nothing works. nothing ever works and my face is ugly and disgusting and it hurts and its never going to go away on its own.