for the past week i knew 100% that i wanted to go home this summer. its pretty much already set. ive applied to community colleges and for a job. there was no doubt in my mind that this was what i wanted to do.

but i had a good day at work yesterday. i felt like i was part of something there and its going to be really hard to leave that. i havent been away from papa murphys for longer than a month since i started there last september. i havent really grasped that i will be gone for over 3.

i want to go home so badly because i miss my family and i miss feeling like im a part of that...but in my heart of hearts i know that i am part of that.

if i am away from fargo and from work for too long, i fear that i will lose what has taken so long to build up. i will come back in august, but things will be different. i will feel different because i wouldnt have been a part of the summer team. working this summer would make me feel really like a part of that family. plus i hear rumours about who may or may not be quitting this summer. and its a very real possibility that i wont ever see them again.

but i stuck around last summer holding this same sentiment, that if i went home i would be missing out on a whole summer of opportunities to get closer to my friends and coworkers, but i dont feel like i achieved this. i still feel like an outsider who nobody really knows because i wont let them know me. i thought the summer would help me break my walls, but they are so strong.

all that really happened last summer was that i worked and then went back to my apartment and watched tv all night. i would stay up until 4 or 5 am and then finally fall asleep so i could wake up at 1:30 in time to get to work and then work till 9:30 and repeat. on the days i had off i would either sleep all day, drive around relentlessly or...i dont even know. i tried to pick up as many hours as i could because i could not stand to be in my apartment. if i had 2 or more days off in a row i would go home.

i, under no circumstances, can live through another summer like that. which is why i am fearful of even thinking about staying here. i dont even know where i would live. i just dont want to miss a thing.

but i am so homesick. im chronically homesick. even if im satisfied in my current situation, i will always miss home. its always been like that. home is home and everywhere else is just a place to stay. there is one person i think i could feel at home with here, but...that wall is up and im so good at blocking people out and pushing them away. that is the real reason i would stay, to see if i could work on that. but it didnt work last summer, it hasnt worked this whole year, why would it ever change. i will regret not finding out.

i hate this. it is my adult responsibility to create a new family for myself but how can i do that when i cant open up. im angry that im allowing myself to retreat back to home. i see something wrong with that. i almost want to force myself to stay in fargo this summer just because i think it is the thing to do. i WILL get closer to them because i HAVE to. oh im such a mess.