valentines day at papa murphys...
pizza count: 530
valentine count: 2 (4 including ones from my roomies...which im very grateful for)
intelligent conversation (on my part) count: 0

i really dont want a boyfriend. i know i posted about wanting one...but the problem is, i wouldnt know how to live having a boyfriend. how on earth do you fit one into your schedule, while still having time for your friends? i always said i wouldnt be the type of girl who ditches all her friends for a guy...but i dont even know if that is true. i probably would. i dont need to get myself into that sort of pickle.

my expectations are WAY too high. (unrelated rant)

i just HATE HATE HATE what i always do to myself. i just become enamored with a guy...usually without hardly getting to know him (because i fall in love with any guy who pays me the least bit of attention...right), and then i get so incredibly nervous around him that i cant even form coherant sentences, walk in a straight line, do ANYTHING gracefully/intelligently...and i become this silent, bumbling fool. then i hate myself so much for being so ridiculous and not being able to change it that i get angry...at myself, in general, at HIM even though hes done nothing wrong, just the fact that he happens to be the source of my frustration...and then im an ANGRY silent bumbling fool. hows a person supposed to like someone like that?? (THEY DONT!!) then it seems like i have an extreme distaste for the person i actually like! then of course im relaxed around everyone else and i can be totally be normal around them.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS 8TH GRADE PHASE!!!!!

i wrote a long time ago about how i felt that i had met my capacity of people. im very glad that wasnt true. i mean, of course that wasnt true...you never stop meeting people, but i mean people that are actually an important part of my life.

i miss mrs. gibbles (and chester and shelby and rose and atlantic...)

i hate seeing pictures of myself. i know i look like that, but im always trying to convince myself that im wrong. but then i see a picture. i swear to god im going to have a heart attack by 25 if i dont do SOMETHING very soon. i used to at least have some boundaries for myself that i really respected. even if i wasnt dieting, i never drank sugared pop...i never ate certain things (like donuts), i didnt really let myself binge, but there is nothing left of them. i have no boundaries, i have no willpower. i hate telling people about my intentions to make a change because i hate encouragement. i feel like its either satirical, or pity. especially coming from people who are damn near HALF my size. but if i dont tell anyone, i have no reason to stick to anything. i dont care if i let myself down, but id hate to do it to someone else. but ive learned not to let anyone in on my intentions. any time i would even mutter the word diet to my mom, she would run out and stock up on lean cuisines, light popcorn, low fat yogurt, and fat free ice cream. id usually be sick of dieting after like 3 days, then id be stuck with the stuff but not with the diet...which made me feel guilty for making her buy all that food. (so then id usually stuff it down in a non diet sort of way to numb the guilt.)
god do i need a therapist.