i made a few "revisions" ie...removing the recent crap that i find inadequate.

small minds talk about people...
average minds talk about events...
great minds talk about ideas...

so thats why.

so for a few "ideas" that ive come up with...

when my mom dragged my fat ass into new day weight center, i was hoping they would address more the psychological components of me being fat. i was hoping that they could say, "ok heres your mental problem, this is why you do what you do, lets help you fix it." no luck of course as they were intent on sticking me on like an 800 calorie a day diet. see i dont like that whole "work" part about it. i wanted to take the blame off my free will and stick it to some traumatic experience i may have had in the past that "inadvertently" made me the way i am. if only it were that easy. i think i may have come close through my own personal analysis though. i think after my parents split, i looked to food not only to numb the pain, but as a way to gain attention. as a way to say "hello mom and dad...what you did to me really fuckin sucks! see how fat im getting! thats how much it hurts!!" and it worked...sorta. the attention i got in the form of being enrolled in weight watchers at the ripe old age of ELEVEN was not exactly what i was looking for...but it was attention...which started a vicious cycle. so here i am ten years later pushing maximum density...and looking for a way to take the (negative) attention off the way i look. which leads me to...the dumbest thing i have ever done to myself. (smoking.) when im out there, sucking down a cigarette, i feel like, even if its only for a second...people stop thinking, "yuck shes fat" and just think "eww she smokes" as if the latter is any better, but when youve been fat for half your life, that shift is very welcomed.

when youre fat, you feel like you dont deserve to be happy. and you especially feel like you dont deserve to be liked. you already have one strike against you (because people HATE fat people...especially fat girls) so you have to work really hard to get people to like you. (and when i say you, i mean me) there are different stages of this...each can be happening in any number of people at any given time. (i was planning on describing each stage but its not working for me.) this can lead to what seems like split personalities (sometimes even im convinced.) and major problems getting at all close to anyone. it also doesnt help that you are extraordinarily self conscious, and suspicious of everyone (because they all make cracks about you being fat behind your back...right?) especially guys since youre afraid they are all shallow and filled with ulterior motives. but you know that not ALL of them are because you find one you can really trust (even though you feel like you are burdening them just by liking them...even if they dont know...because who wants to deal with a fat girl liking them...but you cant help it because you fall in love with every man who pays you the least bit of attention because most of them dont) but then they want your friend. which breaks your heart...again. and you become a seething ball of jealous fury every time a guy you even REMOTELY like shows interest in another girl (usually one you know) because you cant possibly stand to have it happen again. and its so hard to feel that way all the time and you find it utterly impossible that one of them would actually pick you so you just stop trying altogether...and just shut down. and then you decide that being their friend would be a really great thing, until you remember all the times youve listened to your guy friends rave about the girl they are just so in love with.
(*HINT* ITS NEVER GOING TO BE YOU)

oops...there i go talking about people again.
me and my small mind are calling it a night.