i guess i really just dont like christmas

i of course loved it when i was little because it was all magic and gifts. i didnt know how much was being spent each year, i was unable to put 2 and 2 together and see through things, nothing really mattered except the presents under the tree and i thought i would just fall over and DIE before it was december 25th.

being agnostic at christmas is a little awkward. i can stand to be at church out of respect, but the whole time i am there i am just upset with myself for not sticking up for my beliefs (or lack thereof,) and allowing the lie to continue. but that only lasts about an hour and then the pain is over and then i move on.

getting presents now makes me feel quite guilty. i dont feel like i truly deserve such great things, and then im stuck with a sense of debt. i shouldnt really whine about these sorts of things. christmas time, and being with family also perpetuates the being treated like a child thing that i am continually trying to escape. whine whine whine. this is garbage.

i think i might have put on like 3 pounds over the last few days. im obsessed. disgustingly, dangerously obsessed.

i used to avoid phone calls sporatically. i didnt think much of it, and i felt badly when i did it. i would always make up an excuse when i would finally muster up enough whatever to call back, and say something like, i fell asleep, i didnt hear the phone, etc. anything to avoid the possible confrontation that would come from a friend who just wanted me to answer the phone. why couldnt i just tell the truth. why couldnt i just say, dont call me. i dont like it. i dont want to be bothered. im terrified of what might have happened. someone might have gotten upset. someone might have yelled at me about it.
i have not been picking the phone up lately. im terrified. terrified of having to fake happiness, terrified of being expected to be with people i drifted away from a very long time ago. im so afraid of what might happen. i stick to what i know. and when i dont want to do that anymore. i avoid.

so anyway. im glad another holiday season is ending.